1 June 2012
My energy had utterly left me as I lay on the stone cold floor of the cave, its cool touch chilling the fear which set my body on fire. I gazed up at the blackness above me and silently declared defeat. I felt hollow; whatever I once clung to in order to survive or hope for something had drained from my being, as if it had seeped through holes punctured in my soul. I could not even be sad. I could not even care if I felt, thought, or breathed a minute more. Death was an embrace and my ending was a lullaby. With my final ounce of heart in this fight, I begged God to take my miserable failure of a life.
Refusal! I nearly hated my merciful Father for his urging me to press on. Yet He gave me food so I would live on. He showered me with His light so I might have hope. I was not alone, and He was not done with me, as much as I wanted to be relieved from the pain. I could not see Him, I could not even sense Him at some points, but He was there all along. I had a friend, a force pushing me, though I moved with such reluctance. He did not lie and tell me it would be easy. He just said we could. But only together.
My spirit renewed, I came to believe. He surged through me, saturating my soul with inspiration, filling those holes in my spirit with strength and trust and motivation. He kept His promise, and did not abandon me. I live in Him!